i feel like my head's been a little bit of a mess lately. not in a bad way, necessarily, but i'm coming down from that time of the month and there was a sudden influx of gay tv shows and a new zhanzhan drama but also christopher plummer just died and who knew that in 2021 i would still be getting weirdly emotional about fandom-type things? i ( Read more... )

i haven't been journalling as much in the last couple of years, but especially this one, because 1) life, and 2) it has been epically awful. except the human experience is a strange thing, because nothing ever seems that bad with a little distance. so maybe not journalling about it isn't the worst idea. i'll never remember how terrifying it's been ( Read more... )

a couple of nights ago, i woke up and legitimately could not feel my legs. i rolled out of bed and tried to stand and my left leg crumpled like it wasn't even my own. that's the most terrified i remember being in at least the past decade. even though i knew, logically, that the chest pains were muscular and there was nothing wrong with my heart, ( Read more... )

sometimes i stumble across old emails i wrote when things were bad, and i don't remember feeling that way or doing those things, and reading it feels like reading about something that happened to someone else, feelings that someone else felt. i can't tell if i've dissociated, if i'm still dissociating? if i'm as at peace with it or as well-adjusted ( Read more... )

a very peculiar thing happens when you transition into an environment where you're not on your own after being alone is pretty much your default mode of being. i swing from wanting the company to so desperately wanting time on my own that i volunteer for solo forty-five minute walks in the sweltering heat, or staying up till 6am every morning ( Read more... )

jesus christ my parents are driving me nuts ( Read more... )

i've been terrible at updating. i keep thinking about it, in the shower, on the train, at the cinema, but then i get home and i just--don't. so: cliffnotes, it is!

things that happened in my 27th year of life:

• i graduated. it was, very likely, the most important thing i will ever do in my life. i didn't get hooded by judy, which would have been ( Read more... )

i've never been the kind of person to talk about my feelings when i'm upset. blog about them, sure, but actual communication, not so much. i think i could've been a talker, maybe, but too much has happened to get in the way of that. people always disappoint you, so it's better not to give them the chance to try ( Read more... )

so this has been not the greatest quarter ever ( Read more... )

almost four months since a last real post. i do my best work under pressure.

it's weird that i'm not coming home to document the days that i just stop at work and think holy shit this is awesome. this is the best job in the world. i never want to do anything else. because i have more days like those than i thought i would, even a year ago ( Read more... )